Not Daring to Hesitate

The 2011 Eckerd College Writer’s Conference and novel workshop is two weeks away but I find myself shamefully wishing it was later. More like two months away or next summer. As some of you know my novel manuscript was picked to win a 600 dollar scholarship to attend. http://writersinparadise.eckerd.edu/index.php?f=authors

 I thought I had no chance of getting noticed, but sent my samples in anyway. I even made a cheap bargain with myself. If I never heard from them, it would be okay to stop writing and if I did, then it was meant to be. But my manuscript was in and had won the scholarship so there was no turning back.

Once the initial euphoria evaporated, my lucky turn became a liability.  I began to feel the same way I used to when carrying my overstuffed backpack to the first day of school. The evil gnome perched over my left shoulder wouldn't stop whispering in my ear. Was my stuff really good enough? Would everyone hate me? Would the teacher be mean? Why did I really get picked? Maybe they had chosen my manuscript so they could point out what not to do when beginning a novel.

 Before you all gag from reading such indulgent, self-loathing talk, let’s make sure you understand how much I loved Bjork in her Swan dress. She was the artsy ingenue who had wandered into a Hollywood red carpet event wearing a tutu with a dead Swan around her neck .  I thought that was kind of brilliantly adorable, but soon realized I belonged in a tiny minority. My own writing seems to have the same love or hate appeal.

I often wonder about the amount of courage or mind altering substances that took for Bjork to wear that gratingly whimsical number. Walking into a writer’s workshop to hear bestselling professionals tear apart my apprentice novel beginning should not be a big deal. Bjork would have strutted around in her swan dress to the Eckerd Writer’s Conference without a care in the world.